Decisions

The deed is done. I am now the blessed recipient of a vascular access port. (See: Follow the Bouncing Ball). We arose at 4am yesterday in order to make the drive to Hillsboro and the Kaiser Permanente West Side Medical Center. Poor Jill was called on, once again, to drive in the dark for my benefit. I know this causes her some anxiety, but she never complains. Is it any wonder I love her so much? 

The surgery was pretty simple and was done with local anesthesia. We arrived early, having been instructed to arrive at 7am, and I was seen promptly for my 8am surgery. I noted when we were on the way home that the time was 9:21am. So, as surgeries go, this one was pretty quick and easy. I asked the surgeon if I would be able to play the violin afterward. He assured me that I would. I told him I was grateful, because I have never been able to play the violin before.

There is some soreness in the area of the surgery, as you might imagine, but it is manageable and will pass in a couple of days. And then I will no longer present a puzzle for the phlebotomists, when it comes to finding a vein to puncture in order to draw my blood. Henceforth, I will need to have an RN draw blood through the port, since it requires a certain amount of maintenance and a special needle. That's just fine. The only real change will be that I will need to have a specific appointment for  a blood draw, instead of just dropping in at the lab. 

We retired early last evening. I think we were both drained physically and emotionally from the day's activities, especially the early get-up. I drifted off to sleep easily, in spite of some pain at my surgery site. It did take some time figuring out the best position to keep the surgery site comfortable and minimize my tendency to snore, when I sleep on my back. Ultimately, I got some good rest, although I was also battling a bit of a headache. 

During the wakeful moments, the little bit of pain I had began to remind me of all that I have been through on this journey. It reminded me of my mortality, too. I was feeling that self-induced invitation to a personal pity-party we are all subject to on occasion. Wouldn't it be easier just to give in to the inevitable? 

And then the Lord brought to my mind the words of the Apostle Paul, written to the church in Philippi:

Yes, and I will rejoice, ¹⁹ for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, ²⁰ as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. ²¹ For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ²² If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. ²³ I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. ²⁴ But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. ²⁵ Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, ²⁶ so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. (Philippians 1:19-26)

Paul was in prison for his faith in Christ at the time he wrote these words. He had already spent years traipsing all over the middle east spreading the good news that, through Christ, we may have eternal life, free of the pains we suffer in this world. Having been shipwrecked, stoned, beaten, imprisoned, Paul was tired, and like all mortals, I suspect he struggled with some amount of discouragement because of his various sufferings. Surely, going home to be with Christ would be better than staying on the path that God had given him. 

But you will notice that he quickly came to his senses and realized that, like Christ's, the choice Paul had was whether to go with his own desire for comfort, or to say, "Nevertheless, not my will but Your [God's] will be done." (Luke 22:42). Paul had been called by Jesus to bear witness to Christ's life, death and resurrection, so that thousands of people might be added to His kingdom. Not only that, but Paul, being an accomplished scholar of the Scriptures, also knew that, as the Psalmist wrote, 

"...in your [God's] book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them." (Psalm 139:16)

And so Paul knew that his choice was really not a choice at all. For him to live was Christ (Phillipians 1:21). That is to say, the full, rich life that God had planned for Paul before he was born, was only to be had through obedience to Christ. And Jesus had called him to do a job. Only when that job was done, would he go to be rewarded for his obedience and hear the words I also long to hear:

‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ (Matthew 25:21)

Mind you, I would never compare myself to the Apostle, but I, too, have been called by God for a purpose. I won't go into the details here, but God's purpose for my life is what gives it meaning. Leukemia is no fun, but neither was Christ's suffering on the cross, and yet He chose to endure it for the prize set before Him, namely eternal life with all of His children around Him. 

And so, as I lay awake, I realized that Job was right: "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"* As I lay in the dark, I thanked God that I was still around, not only to squirm in my bed trying to get comfortable, but to carry out, with His help, the assignment He has given me to be here for my wife and my kids and grandkids; for the men He has brought into my life and to whom I have been privileged to minister as they pursue goodness and integrity; for the couples whose marriages I have seen changed for the better, because God gave me (and Jill) the privilege of speaking His truth into their lives. And I am convinced that, like Paul, for me to remain in the flesh is more necessary on their account. And so: 

"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:14)

 There, decision made...again!

 

*Now, it is important to realize that God neither created evil, nor does he perpetrate evil. But evil exists, and we all have experienced it. Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, the forbidden fruit. Their eyes were opened to the existence of evil through their own disobedience. Had they obeyed God's one rule, "don't eat that fruit," how different the world would be.