Walking with my Abba Father

BOX SCORE
Element	Current	Std. Range	Trend
Hemoglobin	8.3	13-17	v
Platelets	8	140-375	v
ANC	250	1800-8300	v

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father"* Romans 8:15)

It must be the week after chemo! Just look at those numbers. It's quarantine for me, until my ANC comes up. Now this is not a problem. Between the training of the pandemic, leukemia, the best wife in the world and Amazon, I do all right in quarantine. I've certainly had enough practice. 

In addition, something else has been added. (I guess anything added would be in addition, come to think of it.) Starting with my most recent stay at Club Sunnyside, the oncology team began injecting me with a drug called Nivestym. The purpose of this medication is to stimulate white blood cell production. Apparently, it works, because as recently as a week ago yesterday, my ANC was 18,440! Due to that number being way above the standard range, the team had me cease taking it. 

Now an interesting thing about chemotherapy is that it amounts to a balancing act between killing the cancer and killing the patient. So far, the balance has gone in my favor, thank the Lord. But too much of a good thing can tip the balance the wrong direction. Consequently, the Nivestym was withdrawn the day I came home, eight days ago today. That high ANC  is just too high. That's getting near the range where it was, when I was diagnosed with AML. Don't want too many neutrophils looking around for something to eat, when the only thing available is healthy cells. 

Can you say "vicissitudes?" If you look at the Box Score above, which represents my most recent labs, my ANC has gone from 18,840 to 250 in a mere six days. So, beginning on Monday, the day before yesterday, Dr. Brow ordered me to begin injecting myself with Nivestym daily. Before you say, "Eew, how can you do that," remember I practiced dentistry for 32 years, and I am very comfortable around needles. Besides, thousands of Diabetes sufferers inject themselves one or more times daily with life saving Insulin. I will be very curious to see what my ANC looks like in tomorrow morning's labs. 

In the meantime, I have been reading some literature that Dr. Meyers of Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) provided at our visit last Friday. The more I understand about stem cell transplant, the more comfortable I become with the idea. I must tell you that after my previous post, Jill and I had a conversation about my statement that if it weren't for her, I might give up this battle. In particular, my statement that I feel a duty to her, given the wedding vows I made, made her feel a bit guilty. Upon reflection, I realized that, whereas I take those vows very seriously, at least half of my hanging on through this battle is that I just don't want to leave her behind. She found that comforting, I think. 

How did I come to that conclusion? Well, in part it was looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that, once again, I had fallen into the trap of feeling noble about my "word." I didn't realize how my statement sounded to Jill. Integrity is very important to me, but I am a man in love with a wonderful woman, and it's OK to admit that to myself and thank God that He gave her to me (as a kind of wedding present?) and has given us an amazing relationship for more than two decades. 

Now, I can't take credit for this "looking at myself in the mirror" piece. That is a product of two things. First, God periodically, well quite frequently actually, reminds me that without Him, I am nothing, which means I need to do some self-evaluation when I realize I have put someone, and especially my sweet wife, in an uncomfortable position. Second, that same sweet lady was given me by my Heavenly Father to be a mirror, in which I see myself through her eyes, and not as through a glass darkly (1 Corinthians 13:12). 

You may recall in my last post I made the request, "Please, if you are a praying person, join me in beseeching the Lord for guidance in making this impossible decision; that I would yield to His will, whichever way that may take me." I want to thank you for your prayers, because I have felt uplifted during the days since I made that request. 

As I have studied the passage from Philippians (1:22-26), God has focused my attention on a couple of things. First, verse 22 says, "If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me." Whether that means doing physical labor of some kind or "laboring in God's vineyard" in the form of some kind of ministry doesn't matter. God told us to be fruitful. Second, I am not the only one who longs for the peace of heaven. Paul says to go and be with Christ is more desirable, and I agree, but it is not my place to name the time when that will come to pass. So, like Paul, "I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith." (verse 25)

There is the possibility that doors may close before we arrive at a stem cell transplant. There may be no suitable donor. Something may be found in my constitution that makes a transplant impossible or inadvisable. I might proceed with treatment, and my Abba Father could call me home. Or the Lord Jesus may return before we get there. All of these things are God's decisions to make, not mine. What I know from much time spent in prayer and perusing the Scriptures, is that God has been faithful to me throughout my life, even when I was unfaithful to Him. (See Romans 5:8) Most recently I have come through almost three years of a battle with cancer that has left me mostly unscathed, thanks to God's faithfulness. So, I believe I can confidently walk through whatever doors He opens as we walk together into the future.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
    for his steadfast love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods,
    for his steadfast love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords,
    for his steadfast love endures forever; (Psalm 136:1-3)

 * The word Abba is an Aramaic word that means “Father.” It was a common term that expressed affection and confidence and trust. Abba signifies the close, intimate relationship of a father and his child, as well as the childlike trust that a young child puts in his “daddy.” (https://www.gotquestions.org/Abba-Father.html)