Blessing or curse?

BOX SCORE
Element	Current	Std. Range	Trend
Hemoglobin	10.8	13-17	^
Platelets	71	140-375	^
ANC	1250	1800-8300	v

I'm a little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I like things to be orderly, well, except for my workbench, perhaps. Actually, I like my workbench orderly, too, but I'm often too lazy to straighten it up. But I digress. Along with my OCD, I have a fascination for mechanical things. Now, the two don't always mix very well. Among my prize possessions is a small collection of antique clocks; you know, the kind that don't plug in and don't have batteries. 

My grandfather clock, built from a kit when I was in my twenties, stands 7 feet tall in our dining room. It is 50 years old this year. On the wall in the living room hangs a beautiful family heirloom in the form of a weight driven wall clock. I have no idea how old it is, but my guess would be over 100 years. The balance of my collection is situated in my home brew pub. My obsession with clocks is such that I named my brewery "Clockwork Brewing." This part of the collection comprises two mantel clocks, two wall clocks and a cuckoo clock that my dear friend Jim gave me. He said his uncle brought it home from Europe after World War II.

Now, the reason I said my OCD and mechanical things aren't a match made in heaven is that mechanical things, in this case my clocks, need a good deal of attention, if they are to continue functioning as they are intended to do. If they don't get it, they rebel and start going wonky. They tell the wrong time. They stop running for mysterious reasons. When I get them all humming along as they are supposed to, they all begin chiming at the same time, which creates kind of a cacophony. It's music to my ears, but it drives other people crazy. One of my mantel clocks had a habit of striking 13, until I dismantled it and oiled the joints. 

Yesterday I took on that same clock. It has been doing a strange thing where it runs fine and keeps good time for a spell, and then it suddenly gets 20-30 minutes behind and then maintains its laggardly ways. While I was working on that clock, which is one of my favorites (how many favorites can you have among seven objects?), I began thinking about high maintenance possessions, and I realized that I are one. 

As my body ages, and especially since I have been blessed with leukemia, it sometimes doesn't keep well regulated (you should pardon my crudity). The joints get creaky. The finish wears off in the form of my skin flaking and producing some rather annoying and unattractive blood blisters and scabs. Sometimes, the old bod can't keep up or lags behind. Sometimes it deceives me, like the clock that strikes 13, and I find it is not doing what it used to do perfectly well. My OCD doesn't like these shortcomings. And whereas I have never considered myself to be any kind of Adonis, it pains me some to see my body changing and not for the better. 

And so, I find myself faced with a dilemma. How do I reconcile my OCD with these changes that I can't control? What I am learning is that, in the long run, there ain't a heckuva lot I can control. My mind tells me it's true; my heart tells me,"You gotta fix this." Most of us are fortunate to live long enough to face this dilemma, and I thank God that I am among those. I'm a little less enthusiastic about my limited/non-existent ability to do anything about the dilemma. 

As I face the challenge of living with what is now being treated as a chronic illness, God is gradually teaching me that I need to take my hands off the controls and let Him drive the bus. I wish I had learned that lesson much earlier in life, because when I do relinquish control (and it's usually with a modicum of protest, which of course, God knows all too well) I find that things are less chaotic. If I can't control something, why should I waste my energy, emotional and physical, trying to do so?

I guess it all boils down to trust. And trust is a paradox in itself. I mean, how do we learn to trust? We start by doing what is not intuitive. We make a choice to let go the reins, even when it makes no sense to our sense of self-preservation. If things then take a turn we weren't expecting or which seems wrong to us, in my case, I grab the reins again. And that's the opposite of trust. At that point, I have to make a hard decision to start over from scratch with trusting. My only hope is to hold out a little longer before I try to take over again. I know in my mind, from a few decades of walking with God, that I can trust Him explicitly. Still I all too frequently seem to say, "It's OK, God. I can handle this." Then I often pay a price for my pride. 

Throughout the Bible, God compares his relationship to His people, first the nation Israel and more recently the church that was founded by Jesus Christ, with marriage. The Bible refers to the church as "the Bride of Christ." The Jewish Scriptures are full of passages where the nation Israel failed to live up to the covenants that God made with them, and that failure is referred to as adultery, just like when a husband or wife is not true to the vows made at the altar (or in the judge's chambers) to keep themselves only unto their spouse. Why is that vow in there? Precisely because building trust is so difficult and learning to trust is so frightening. Trust is the irreplaceable ingredient in marriage. Without it there is a lot of pain. I am so blessed to have Jill, who for 21 years has never given me one moment to doubt that I can trust her. 

So is leukemia a curse or a blessing? Dumb question you say. Through it God has taught me just how helpless I am. Heck, I can't even keep my clocks all running right. But He created a magnificent and unbelievably intricate universe that makes a Rolex look like dog food. And He keeps it running like, well, clockwork. Colossians 1:15-17 says: 

"He [Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. ¹⁶ For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. ¹⁷ And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

And in the face of my weakness, God is showing me that when I am weak, He is strong. The Apostle Paul put it this way: 

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10, emphasis added)

So here I stand, warts (well flaky skin and blood blisters, at least) and all, weak as a baby...

        ...my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 

And, I say again, blessing or curse?